An unraveling or an awakening?

 i guess to put words to my current emotional state, its a lot of unprocessed grief. its feeling all the emotions associated with events that at the time i could not find the words to express what i was feeling. the emotion was too big to process at the time of the event and there was a laundry list of things i had to do..my to do list (now i say fuck the list, its never done anyway) but the events i tucked, wayyyyy down in my sock for later just like the pile of bills i tuck over in the corner for later or the closet that i'll organize later. midlife, some call a crisis, i prefer to call it my awakening. its as if my rose colored glasses have come off and i am seeing all the pieces of life and relationships and people and behavior and reactions and memories and experiences as they truly are and i cant unsee it. the toothpaste is out of the tube. i am rebuilding one brick at a time and figuring out what this next chapter of me will look like. the awakening had begun a while ago, when my daughters mental health took a sharp turn towards death. that was when the unraveling began. there are no guidebooks for a child who is suicidal. its a panic and anxiety that there are no words for you just feel it and it feels like the world is on fire and you have a squirt-gun to put out the flames. as the parent you will do anything to avoid death so you lose all sense of self and purpose and direction and any semblance of boundaries you may have had, i know mine were barely there to begin with. 

throughout those years where my world was on fire, i didn't really talk about it. i was just living it one crisis to the next. i knew there were struggles but attributed much if it to teenage years. knowing what i do now, i knew deep in my soul it was more but i could not accept it and thought i could fix it and control it because that was my job after all right?? so i thought. after one of my first parent support groups a woman reached out to me and said "tell me your story" and when i did she was blown away. she said "laurie thats a lot" and i paused and thought my god yes it is and that was the first time anyone had acknowledged the size of the struggle. that was the first time i had felt seen. that summer was filled with so much grief that i just didnt have the time or the ability to process. my dad went into hospice and my best friend from middle school passed away at 46. i still have not processed her being truly gone from this life. she comes to me at different moments, a song in the car, a feather on the ground, a photo on memories of my phone, the beach, and i just cry. 

my daughter had arrived home from treatment the day before Sarah died. as a parent with a child in early recovery to put it lightly, its an overwhelming time. we were en route to bring a meal to her family, who were back and forth to the hospital, the dog was wailing when we went into the house, he was her dog, he totally knew. we wiped the counters took out the trash and left the meal in the fridge and my daughter asked me "arent you going to cry" and my response to her at the time was my feelings right now are like the pull in a sweater and if i tug on it, the entire sweater will completely unravel and i will be here naked in my emotions. 

and that is how i pretty much survived most of my life. tucking those emotions, those experiences down in my sock "for later" because i could not stop to take the time but as i have discovered grief is a tricky little thing, it waits. grief, you can not run from it, you can not avoid it, it will find you in the quiet moments where you thought you got away....aha "gotcha". i am beyond grateful for the step in my journey where i attended parent support group. for a year and a half i attended daily, sometimes twice a day. the people around me couldn't understand why i went so much, why did i spend so much time in "those groups". my parent group was teaching me so much and i couldnt get enough of what i was learning. concepts i had never known about boundaries, words for my emotions and a safe space to express them, and best of all gratitude. life as i have learned is a both and. i can feel 2 opposite things at the same time and both can be true. i have accepted myself and my flaws and recognize that i didnt cause this i can not cure this and i can not change this. i have released control and become friends with radical acceptance. those moments, those lessons were excruciatingly painful. i also have begun to give myself credit i deserve for surviving what i did, and also building the life i have built. i am again gravitating to bodybuilding. it is a lifestyle and emotional challenge that gives me control when everything else feels uncertain. it strips me down to the bare minimum. there is no enjoyment of food, its fuel, there is no avoiding the painful workouts, there is minimal socializing because i am focused and committed to my goal and it ensures i show up for myself every day....every single day, when im tired, when im sore, when im sad when im happy when im angry when im needing a purpose. its me vs me, its mine, and i am earning it. im choosing me so fucking hard right now. i need to pour back into myself because she was so lost for so long, she forgot who she was, she forgot how joyful and loving and excited she is, she forgot what it felt like to put herself first. she is getting her shine back and this chapter is yet to be finished. this self empowerment era is kicking off with competing, a photo session to capture my hard work, a writing class, therapy for me, kickball on sundays in the fall, skydiving, wellness retreat, travel alone, volunteer in Ecuador for pediatric surgical patients. like brad reedy said, we are never done growing. i feel like i should be jack and the beanstock at this point but apparently the universe has more in store for me.