The Gift of Recovery

 "Suffering without catharsis is wasted pain"- Elizabeth Gilbert

The past year and a half has been one of of the most pivotal, life altering periods of time in my 46 years on this earth. the ride, the path to this point has taken me through some of most emotional gut wrenching experiences and yet humbled to my knees, the surrender is what brought me the gifts of recovery. that journey continues to this day. this journey will never be complete but one day at a time there is progress. Realizing that i had been protected by my suit of emotional armor that was complete with ego, a false sense of control, defensiveness, inability to truly listen and hold space.  After dropping my daughter off at treatment the grief and sadness was so overwhelming. Treatment in my mind was the only option, reflecting back there was another option and that was to continue on as we were. The pain was so great at that time i didn't realize i had a choice. Change will happen, when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain and fear of the unknown. we were stepping into the unknown and that journey would begin to unravel my 46 years of what i thought to be true. as my daughter began her recovery, I joined the parent support group. There were a lot of words like future tripping, tools, and enmeshment, control,and family recovery. Family recovery? what did i have to work on? i had been working sooooo hard to keep everything moving but what i didn't realize was how ineffective my patterns were. Loving someone and not knowing how to communicate and process emotions can cause so much damage. one day a time i began my recovery. that one day at a time would become my reality along with the relief of realizing i had no control over anyone or anything EXCEPT how i would respond. my entire life i had been reacting 

Recovery for me has made me a better daughter, mother, wife, friend and human. my recovery has permeated into so many aspects of my life, including the way i see myself, as an actual self, my children and how they are actually their own people and not extensions of me, my marriage and what i need at this stage in my life, my friendships and how much i value those very special close understanding compassionate relationships.  Recovery has impacted how i see the  world and peoples behavior. recovery has changed my perspective on addiction, what it is, why is happens and how painful it is for not only the person suffering from addiction but their loved ones who want to fix it.  my parent support group was the catalyst for all of the gifts of recovery. Gratitude, relinquishing control, relief of sadness, learning to love one day at a time, not future tripping, accepting life on life's terms oh and my favorite, boundaries. what was it that i needed to feel safe. its so hard to express in words how i would explain the gift of recovery what is has meant to me. many of the pieces of that process happen with deep emotional feelings. learning to recognize those feelings, accept them let them tell me what they need to teach me and feelings are not facts. 

the depth of true understanding for me began when i allowed myself to sit in the discomfort of what i was feeling. what was this emotion for me? Anger was the armor i was wearing to protect  myself from everything underneath. taking off that armor was when grief, sadness, shame, guilt and fear showed up. accepting these emotions, and allowing them to tell me what it needed. this work is hard, and challenging and yet Like Brad Reedy says "the reward for our work is not what we get but who we become along with the ability to sit in uncertainty". some days i think i got this and other days i question if i have made any progress at all. when i reflect back on the past i can say yes there absolutely has been progress, AND i still have a long way to go. At this point in my life the only thing i am certain of is that nothing is certain. I have always said perspective is a gift, and i can thank recovery for that gift, appreciating my gifts of imperfection, and learning to accept life on life's terms, as well as a new group of people who are on this journey with me and when the train stops to pick up another one i will never hesitate to reach out, give them a hug, welcome them to the group and let them know you are now part of the best club, the club you never knew you wanted to be a part of.  💝