1 year

My favorite quote says "you do not meet god/higher power/universe at the height of your struggle but at the depth of your surrender".

 Acknowledging that was accepting what was. Recognizing that I was powerless in controlling, fixing, redirecting, course correcting. Recovery for me at this point in my journey is all about surrender and acceptance. The struggle for her is all about escaping lethal emotional pain and as a parent not being able to fix that is a harsh reality and a truth that is any parents biggest worst fear and yet it’s there hanging like a string on pinata. It makes it clear to me why I feel how I do when my children are upset or suffering in some capacity. That fear is paralyzing and I would do anything to avoid that…. Which is why for me the surrender was when I had done all I possibly could to change her path and yet we faced death and narrowly escaped it. 

It’s been almost a year. the anniversary I am going to be very emotional reflecting back on that night. Incredible how I can’t remember to take the extra bag of groceries out of the backseat but I can remember what she was wearing, the feelings I had, the chain of events all of the details of that night. A year later life is so different. My mentality is so different my response is so different. My daughter is so different. So much has changed, shifted and evolved into such a better place of surrender and gratitude and acceptance and love and compassion and presence. My parent group grounds me, it’s like my church every day. It’s many of the same people on certain days and new people on other days . It’s people who have been there for years and people who arrived when I did, at the point of my surrender. No matter who is speaking I can relate. I can hear the new person and feel where they are and offer validation. I can listen to the person who’s been there for years and take their words of wisdom and experience and apply it. It’s been one of the most valuable pieces of my recovery, it’s a priority in my day, just like my exercise. It feels so good to show up for myself and others. My parent group is for me and it has taken me a while to figure out how important having something that gives me a connection/validation like nothing else.  I had no idea what was coming and also how much has shifted from 1 year ago. The only time it’s good to look back is to see how far you have come. All the events leading up to her overdose were all the things I thought I was doing right, I was trying to course correct, to control the outcome to get out ahead of the next catastrophe and yet all of that energy and force did nothing. I realize now I was powerless against mental illness. Her overdose was an awakening, life stopped and said this is the end OR a new beginning. But not knowing what that new beginning was or where we were going felt like I was blindfolded trying to navigate. It was truly when i began to grasp what one day at a time was. There is so much clarity now looking back 11 months ago that in the moment felt overwhelming with confusion and pain and grief. I am so beyond grateful we found Turnbridge. I know without a doubt the universe led me there and the fact that was the first choice for residential treatment feels like we were given a gift. We had been to other treatments but not inpatient. Inpatient psychiatric treatment? Well that would mean this was bigger than I thought this was, more than I expected and yet that’s what she needed. Thank GOD and the universe we landed there. You could not pay me 10 million dollars to go back to that time. There is no amount of money that is worth the peace I have learned to give myself. i will never forget my first parent support group, crying into the screen, unable to get through my days without tears, so many tears i would use a washcloth because there just weren't enough tissues. i will never forget wondering when the darkness would lift. i will never forget wishing the earth would just swallow me whole because as a mother it was just too much emotional pain. i could not have envisioned how different life would be 1 year later because the pain of the present was consuming. one day at a time, one meeting a time, one hard conversation at a time, one therapy session at a time, one podcast at a time, one in person parent meeting at a time, one book at a time, along with the willingness to surrender i am learning and growing in my recovery. We are one day at a time, none of which do i take for granted. We are riding out the bumps, we are having calm open conversations about choices. We are communicating in ways we could never have done prior to treatment. And yet every time I talk with another parent beginning their journey all I need to hear is “I dropped my child off on Friday” and immediately I can feel it. All the emotions from that day come rushing back to me. I feel compelled to reach out to that parent and say “I know…. Me too”.

So much has changed in 1 year. i feel as though i am completely different person. I realize now i did not have the tools i needed. i did not have the knowledge to recognize what we were actually dealing with. i did not have the awareness of the ways i was rescuing, trying in every possible capacity to alleviate any discomfort she faced. i did not realize i was trying to control the outcome. i was trying to direct her choices in all the ways i thought was best, yes I THOUGHT was best. i now know my way is not best, alleviating discomfort solves nothing for her, it helps alleviate mine. her achievements and successes need to be what she chooses in the areas she feels best not what i THINK is best for HER. i recognize that my "Hopes" for my children were actually expectations in disguise.  i now recognize the ways in which she saw the world was different, the ways in which she accessed the world was different. The other day she told me "i feel like i have been fighting my entire life" and in my head and heart knowing what i do now that is real for her. the struggles and challenges she felt trying to access a world of neurotypical and unrealistic standards and "should be, should do, should wear, should like" were not what she needed. i am learning how my daughter thinks and processes things. i am working on how to seek to understand not solve. i am listening more, i am responding not reacting, i am aware (most of the time) of my innate need to fix things for her. even when i'm trying not to fix it, i realize i still have to back off and let her navigate the waters of emotional discomfort and that continues to be my work. i continue to be very present in my recovery. i realize how critical it has been in recognizing the ways in which my own childhood and upbringing impacted how i was parenting my own children. How could i have known how to emotionally attune to my children if i was never taught that. how could i have known the level of nonverbal communication that was dictating my reactions to things. that is where i can give myself grace and there is no blame, no anger or resentment only gratitude because i now GET TO show up differently for my children. i GET TO emotionally attune to them, i GET TO be present and not be in a hurry and future trip about things that i have zero control over. amazing the weight that has been lifted by realizing how little i actually do have control over. i realize how great it feels on those days when i truly have my emotions regulated and can respond and not react. It feels empowering to show up differently from old patterns and yet i know there is still more to learn. i know i have blindspots and want to become aware of them. 

I know this is a lifelong journey. i know i still have much more to learn. i know my daughter will be navigating this as she grows and matures. AND i also know that as we both continue to grow in our recovery that life is becoming more manageable. so for TODAY i am feeling inner peace and i am conscious that feeling could be different tomorrow but i choose to stay in today. i am grateful everyday for the people in my life who speak my emotional language and are on this journey with me. Thank you Lauren for being the lighthouse in my storm ❤