2 years

 i am often overwhelmed with so many emotions when i pause and recognize its been almost 2 years since her overdose. Writing about it is truly one of the ways i can process the complex span of emotions i feel when i reflect back on the road we have traveled. Those emotions are all intertwined with the reality of what transpired when death was what we were staring down. how did we get here? we were doing everything we could. why couldn't we control this? i thought i could fix it, i thought i could change it i thought if i could just get back on track she would outgrow it, if i could just if i could over and over until all that was left was death. i am filled with gratitude for how far we have come, overwhelmed with sadness for what transpired, pained with grief for the mistakes i made AND i  choose to forgive myself. I give myself grace because how could i have known how to hold space emotionally for my children if i was never shown how to be a safe container. I give myself grace for having a reactive temper, again how could i have known how to regulate my emotions if that was never modeled. there is no blame because my parents weren't taught those skills either. the grace i give myself, accepting that there is no perfect parent, that there is no "right and good" way allows me to have compassion for people in a new clear way. my daughter is changing generational trauma, it stops here. i now know how to regulate my emotions, i know how to listen, i know how to hold space for my children's feelings, i know how to have compassion and not judgement, and there is so much more i am continuing to work on. i will never get to the bottom of this to do list but i know i am better than i was yesterday and i know that we live one day at a time. i know that when the slips happen we pause and say, is this familiar? what is this behavior/reaction? why is this coming up? what is this feeling trying to tell me? and now i can respond and communicate in a calm, rational reflective way. i will express my needs because uncommunicated expectations lead to premeditated resentments. I am able to radically accept what this is and see the glimmers of growth for our daughter and us. the growth is not linear, it never was despite what modern culture says. i am forever grateful to turnbridge and their staff because we would not be here without them. when my husband asks me if our marriage would have survived if she died my answer is a confident no. no because if she had not lived i would not have begged to know what i needed to do differently. i thought this was "she is problem. we are sending her to treatment to fix her and send her home". i could not have been more incorrect. 

this is a family disease that in order to not have chronic flaring symptoms everyone has to do their part to change what was. i can say i have never been more willing to stare myself in the face and beg for the answers to be different. the only person i actually have control over is myself, what a humbling lesson  that was. its certainly a fine balance of self acceptance, sitting in emotional discomfort, watching your child be uncomfortable and learning to be ok with not trying to fix it. learning how to regulate my emotions and parenting with boundaries where everyone calmly expresses what they need to feel safe. 

When she first left for treatment i was trying to unravel what happened. i felt at that time very early on in my recovery that there had to be some lessons but what exactly? about 1 month in to her residential treatment i listed patience, control, grief, gratitude being present, listen more talk less, question yourself and check your blind spots. Those are all correct AND there is so much more. i continue to explore my recovery in new ways. i am looking for how to improve and reconnect with myself and others be more understanding, better at holding space, better at responding and not reacting, better at not having expectations and accepting what is.   i am so grateful for this journey, i feel like i got the answers to the test, adjusted my lens of my daughter, myself, my loved ones, and mental health and addiction. learning that emotional pain is so strong so sharp so severe that one would do anything to escape that discomfort and acknowledging my own emotions. the mental peace i am able to feel is worth all of the pain on this journey. Like it was said you cant appreciate the light unless you have suffered in the darkness.