pieces of my recovery, journaling, gratitude and the pause

 reflection for me has been one of the ways i am able to make sense of this journey and process of recovery. figuring out and navigating all the nuances of a child with mental health struggles and unraveling my own childhood. At times the emotions were so overwhelming my head was spinning. the only way i could make sense of how i was feeling or what i was thinking was to put it into words on paper or in my case in my blog. it has been interesting to look back now that time has passed to see where i was then and realize where i am now. I dropped my daughter off at treatment on Easter Sunday, even at the time, i felt like it was symbolic. Easter Sunday, a rebirth, and little did i realize it was not only hers but about to be mine too. the beginning was so dark it felt like i would never feel joy or happiness, there was no light. i knew there had to be something i was supposed to learn but what was it? what was god or the universe trying to teach me? i tried to make sense of what i thought my "lessons" were. i will write a sequel 1 year later to that entry. again even at that time i can see now i was trying to control it, just give me the answers to the test so i can get out of this emotional hell. but time takes time and my recovery could not be rushed, neither could my daughters. time takes time (and i was always in a hurry).  there have been so many pivotal moments throughout my recovery journey so far that its difficult to list them all. many of the moments happen simultaneously or are intertwined with elements and aspects of my daughters recovery, my husbands process, and reflecting on what has transpired over the past year and really throughout my life. i was never very good at pausing, i was always in a hurry and this period of time in my life has slowed me down and taught me to literally stop and smell the roses. the process of practicing gratitude has done just that. at first, joining group and hearing everyone share, i would think wow regardless of horrendous anyone is doing there is always something to be grateful for. that began my realization of i could have all of this "horrible painful stuff" going on AND still be grateful for what i do have.  life was about a BOTH AND. which also allowed me to recognize that my daughter could still be struggling in this area AND making tremendous progress in another. I could have had some light bulb moments myself AND still slide back into "old mom". There is nothing perfect or complete about recovery and yet those small practices of daily gratitude were what truly brought light to my period of the most darkness i have ever felt in my 46 years of life. i wanted the earth to swallow me whole, the pain that i was feeling for my daughter broke the dam for the pain i had buried so deeply. it was all in there, waiting to be felt. i realized that for my entire life i was taught/told "it was fine, everything was fine" tuck it, move on, we don't have time to feel these feelings or be inconvenienced by these emotions. i had unknowingly taught my children to do the same. 

so much of my reactions were so visceral there was no pause. i could not respond, everything was a reaction. this recovery journey for me has taught me the importance of the pause, for everything. i was so good at reacting, and it was like pouring gasoline on a bonfire, completely ineffective. learning to pause has allowed me to respond and not react. often the pause, if long enough, helps me realize either i dont need to give a response or maybe my feelings shift when the heat of the moment has passed. 

i'll never forget my first family therapy session at maclean, when the therapist asked me "how does that make you feel" and my immediate reaction internally was it makes me feel like i want to punch someone. i hated to feel those feelings, i had my armor on i was all set. Vulnerability is the key to having meaningful human experiences but i was very controlling about what i would be vulnerable about. since that time i have learned so much about the importance of feelings that are fully felt will pass, and that just because it was uncomfortable it was  not my job to "fix" it. i have learned that holding space not only for how i feel but listening to how my children feel or my husband feels is just as important. on the note of not having to fix it came the realization of my powerlessness in actually thinking i could fix it. my entire life if i had "fixed" whatever it was and everyone was "happy" i was ok.  there was so much chaos in my house as a child my need to control or fix it became a survival skill. and i brought that ineffective survival skill to my children. i give myself grace because how could i have know how to emotionally attune to my children if i was never taught that. i forgive myself for that and i hope my children forgive me too and realize i did the best i could with what i had at the time. my intentions were always good i was just not hitting the mark. and forgiving myself for my lack of awareness has allowed me to feel such compassion for everyone else. Journaling and writing allows me to put my feelings into words. i have to pause long enough to determine what it is i am feeling and then be able to convey those emotions. it has helped me not only see myself but be seen by others. isn't that the key to a human experience, to be seen? Like Brene Brown says " owning our story and loving ourselves through the process of our story" is what has helped me cultivate self compassion and allow me to let go of perfectionism. 

 i am an avid pod cast listener, i dont binge watch shows, i binge listen to podcasts. i have several favorites and go-to's depending on what i am feeling like i need that day. i start every morning with my deepak chopra 21 day meditation. it grounds me, it reminds me that the universe has everything i need, i just have to be willing to listen or hear it or see it. i believe in energy, and that what you put out into the universe comes back two-fold. i sat in groups and borrowed tools from everyone who was vulnerable and willing to share, it is my privilege to share those with the next person who is looking for tools. this experience is so individual and i love the way i have learned to communicate with I, me , my statements (thank you Lauren :)

"I can't fix this but i'll walk through the pain with you with courage and vulnerability"~ Brene Brown

And that is what my parent group is for me, the writing i do helps me put the feelings into words and the podcasts depending on the day help me to continue to grow in my quest for self discovery, self acceptance and the depth of true understanding that the universe, my higher power has a plan. this journey is long, not for the faint of heart, it is i believe a heroes journey built with vulnerability and courage, there is no room for shame or guilt. Yes, i can have fear, and then let go of that fear because ultimately i am not in control. i have learned the strength i do have will help me through and when i need to borrow some i log onto my group or reach out to my network. thank you to everyone who has walked beside us on this journey.