Reflection and Regression

It’s amazing reflecting back on the past year and every event that marks 1 year ago is a reminder of how I had no idea what was coming. Looking back now, the only time it’s good to reflect back is to see how far you have come. All the events leading up to her overdose were all the things I thought I was doing right, I was trying to course correct, to control the outcome to get out ahead of the next catastrophe and yet all of that energy and force did nothing. I just refused to accept that there was not something I could do to change the situation we were in. I realize now I was powerless against mental illness. Her overdose was an awakening, it was like life stopped and said this is the end OR a new beginning. But not knowing what that new beginning was or where we were going felt like I was blindfolded trying to navigate. There is so much clarity now looking back 10 months ago that in the moment felt overwhelming with confusion and pain and grief. I am so beyond grateful we found Turnbridge. I know without a doubt the universe led me there and the fact that was the first choice for residential treatment felt like we were given a gift. We had been to other treatments but not inpatient. Inpatient psychiatric treatment? Well that would mean this was bigger than I thought this was way, more than I expected, and yet that’s what she needed. Thank GOD and the universe we landed there. You could not pay me 10 million dollars to go back to that time. There is no amount of money worth the peace I have learned to give myself and treatment has given us. We are one day at a time. We are riding out the bumps we are having calm open conversations about choices. We are communicating in ways we could never have done prior to treatment. And yet every time I talk with another parent beginning their journey all I need to hear is “I dropped my child off on Friday” and immediately I can feel it. All the emotions from that day come rushing back to me. I feel compelled to reach out to that parent and say “I know…. Me too”.  I thought I was processing it all and yet as I continue in my recovery and observe my daughter grow in hers more clarity is brought to light. The processing and reflection and also regression continue. 

I realize that as a parent who sent their child to treatment I recognized I was powerless over this disease and that despite being her mother and everything in me said I SHOULD be able to fix this, I could not. I had to trust the process, trust the professionals to give her the tools she needed, and light not only her path to recovery and healing but also mine. 

There are moments where my head feels so full of thoughts I have to write to process and unravel what I am realizing. Many of these realizations are happening simultaneously and writing helps me untangle the strings. the year is coming to a close and with that comes my reflection. for so long there was so much chaos and turmoil and every 1 year ago event reminds me of how far we have come. every event from 1 year ago feels like "the last supper", what was happening at that time, how i was feeling how i was still trying to course correct and somehow get things back on track. the turning point was her overdose. everything i had done, all that we had been through and yet my efforts were futile. i was out of ideas, i was exhausted, emotionally, physically and mentally. I didn't know if treatment was the right choice but i was certain i could no longer handle what we were doing. her arrival to treatment i was still trying to control the direction, the narrative, the communication. the best realization for me was to sit down and work on my own recovery. at the time i didn't even have the words for that. i now know my recovery has been an  essential component to the change in our home and family. she was no doubt the catalyst for me to realize she needed help AND dave and i did too. realizing that i did not have to have all the answers and certainly not in the moment was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. some things were just not mine to own or fix or control, what a novel idea. i recognized so many things while she was in treatment. her behaviors, my reactions, the root of my reactions, and that even with regression there was still progression, it was a both and. we had done DBT parent support group in the past, again at the time i thought i was doing all the things, really it was one of the building blocks of what was to come. i guess you could say that is recovery, it does not all happens at once like fixing the car. Recovery is a slow process, its a slow growth and some days the seeds that were plant grow a lot with the sunlight and on the rainy days the flowers look a little wilted, but the sun comes back out and the flower absorbs the sun and continues to grow. the hard days some times feel like the pull back on the bow and arrow before the launch. the regression happens, and my work is how do i respond with the regression? well the triggers are so loud so i have to quiet them and say here are all the things we are doing well AND here are the things we need to continue to work on. I love when my daughter realizes my reactions are rooted in her old behaviors and when she tells me "I'm different now and this is going to take time for you to realize that" and i know that i need to see the actions to believe the words. Time takes time. Radical acceptance of there is no timeline, there is no map, there is no standard or measurement. everything about recovery is individual which makes sense because there are so many factors that impact the way we learn and feel about ourselves and recognize our strengths and weaknesses. Like Lauren says "I wish you a slow recovery". I no longer care about what "should be" happening, or "hope" what happens. It is now about "what is" happening and how we will navigate that. Social media and society tell us "here is what you SHOULD" be doing. how boring to follow some imagined timeline and path. The journey has been extremely challenging and difficult and yet i would not change it, i am grateful for everything i have learned that helps me appreciate where we are, the progress my daughter has made, the way it has changed how i parent, how I see people, life and relationships and also myself. I also realize that in recovery whether I am the person battling addiction or the person supporting someone with addiction that supporting others on this journey helps you evolve in your own. I wish you a slow recovery ❤