Recovery lives in our feet

 I have been trying to come up with an analogy to explain how this transitional process of my daughter arriving home from treatment feels. it is like driving home your new car in the dark. Do you know how to drive, yes, you have been driving for years now but all the buttons are in a new spot and everything is different. when the windows get foggy as you are driving 75 mph down the highway you panic, where is the defrost, i cant defrost the windows and watch the road. when you park on a hill and the car starts to slide backwards you panic, where is the emergency brake, we are sliding backwards. How do i work this new navigation, i cant get the address to enter, oh that's right the car has to be in park in order to enter the address, its a built in  safety feature. 

it felt like Christmas morning picking her up. The first few weeks home felt like i was holding my breath waiting for the unexpected punch in the gut, the one that catches you off guard. I felt like i was going into a football game as a defensive lineman waiting for that monkey on my back to rear it's ugly head. Everything felt new, shaky, not easy. Every conversation felt like it had to be slow, thoughtful and calculated. I wanted to create as much of a recovery network as i could here at home. Thankful for all the resources and options, i must have emailed 30 therapists looking for someone who could help her unpack her emotional suitcase, i researched every support group in a 50 mile radius that included young people, I found yoga studios, churches and crossfit gyms. I spoke with recovery coaches and prayed. i completely underestimated the level of support she had while in treatment. it was daily, all day and then in the evenings and overnight it was constant. she always had a resource available to talk to to process her emotions with. as the parent i had her team, i could message or email or text or call for any challenges we faced.  Turnbridge was a support network that changed our lives and i will be eternally grateful for. Once home it was on her to reach out to her supports, while i watched from the sideline trying to show up differently and brace for the challenges. The anxiety i feel watching and waiting for her to make the choice to go left when she wants to go right again, is like i'm downing. Each time she makes the healthy choice i breathe easier and can exhale and i hope and pray that over time that feeling of drowning becomes less and less. She has thankfully recognized the importance of her recovery network and even on those days she forgets, her recovery friends remind her or i do. i am so proud of her for going to meetings herself, finding a sponsor, beginning to work her 2nd step. She is finding her faith in a higher power, and exercising daily. She meets with her therapist and recovery coach, and started classes at the community college where she is a duel enrollment student. 

there have been many moments of feeling like she is caught in between worlds, the old Emmalyn and the vortex of high school and "typical" 17 year old bullshit versus the new Emmalyn with her sober network, college classes and being one of the youngest people in her local network doing this work on herself. its lonely and isolating for her at times and there is nothing i  can do to shoulder that and it makes me again feel like i'm drowning. this journey is hers to navigate and weather the emotional pain of it all and ultimately overcome it. i try to remind her of the light that comes after the darkness, stay the course we got this. 

Slowly things are settling in. It has now been 6 weeks and the routine and structure we have been trying to establish is somewhat taking shape. There have been moments when recovery was not a priority and it was evident immediately with dysregulation. Just as it is critical for her to stay in her recovery, the same could be said for mine. As expected the bumps came, and when they did despite my trauma brain panic, i did my best to keep calm, show up differently and use my tools. i was not going to let her see me react, despite the feeling that internally i was drowning. its amazing to me that the time apart gave so much clarity for me to recognize the triggers, the behaviors, the challenges. i could see many of them as they began to creep in. It was a visceral reaction, oh this feels familiar, i am going to address this. Anything that felt like old behavior called for a conversation. then there were my slip ups, that she would call me out on and i would promptly own because i too wanted to show up differently. that is the gift of my own recovery it allows us to discuss our areas, our old behaviors that led us to this point. Both of us working so hard to rewire our brain to respond differently. 

As i write this i am reminded of how many positive things are happening, how much progress there has been, how communication has improved. I tend to have previously throughout life only focused on the things that needed work or fixing or improvement never really acknowledging the little wins. this journey is reminding me to focus in the little wins, the gratitude for the things that ARE going right and not only on the things that are going wrong. That is my work and again reminding myself that nothing about this is linear, that time takes time, one day at a time. on those hard days, the easier ones will follow and to trust that feelings fully felt will pass. 

my friend sent me a TikTok  titled "recovery lives in our feet" Stephanie Noble who is in recovery and states "we behaved our way into addiction, which means we need to behave our way into recovery. All the choices we made along the way, whether it was your first shot of liquor or your 200th pain killer, not knowing what would happen of course but little decisions, running from pain, seeking pleasure, all of those things, so in order to behave our way into recovery we have to move our feet. recovery lives in your feet, behavior is everything i can sit around and say i hope i get sober i hope i stay sober but its not going to happen, you have to take action and do things that move you into recovery. So if that is treatment, meetings, therapy, support groups, working out, meditating, journaling, reading books, quitlet, podcasts, you have to behave your way into recovery, recovery is a lifestyle. our lifestyle needs to speak to our recovery. our lifestyle spoke to our addiction that's for sure and it was pretty loud. so make sure your recovery is just as loud loud, if not louder. we behaved our way into addiction, now we have to behave our way into recovery".

I have acknowledged my contribution to the position i am in, i am fully willing to own all the times i went right when i should have gone left. i didn't know to go left. I only knew what was right in front of me and doing anything to avoid, ease or soothe my daughters emotional pain was where i was going. I was so certain it was the right decision. I now know the only thing i am certain of is that recovery is lifelong and i am grateful for all of the pieces that have contributed to mine. one of the biggest pieces is my parent support group, where everyone's vulnerability and shares of their experience helped me build my toolbox that 6 months ago i thought i could buy somewhere. I will forever be a supportive ear or resource for anyone who wants to know about my tools, i am always happy to share because i would want nothing more than to redefine this experience and journey to one of growth, love, hope, strength, resilience, humility, kindness and compassion.  i will be moving my feet for the rest of my life, i never did like to sit still anyway.