Recovery has no end

 after 5 months apart, signs of progress, so many new tools and improved communication she wanted to transition home. i actually felt ready, we felt as though we wanted to put our new skills to the test. reflecting back to when she transitioned to extended care i definitely was not ready then, but at this point i felt differently.  In hindsight i am so beyond grateful for having had the opportunity for e-care, it was essential in her progress. it offered her so many areas to continue to grow before coming home, really coming to terms with her recovery, beginning to build a life worth living, continuing to learn about herself and her addiction brain as she refers to it. she was able to go rock climbing, find the move to heal program, forge relationships with many people in different phases of their recovery. she faced struggles she had to sit with, learning the discomfort is where the growth was and how she could learn to find her strength. She worked hard with the therapists and groups to continue to do her work. while she was working on herself, we continued to do our work. we continued with groups, read books, listened to podcasts, and also begin relationships with other parents who have a child in treatment.  

The hard work continues after treatment for sure. my god do i miss our team, i had become so accustomed to when there was stress or any dysregulation or issues i would email the team and let them know and i felt confident they had her. i knew it would be bumpy, i knew there would be challenges. you can never fully prepare for anything and that is just life. the problem is when you have a history of trauma and emotional distress it is so easy to fear the return to that. We will never be back there because we have all learned a lot, made progress on ourselves and in the recovery process. those trauma pathways and that fear and anxiety is so strong it is so easy to begin to slide back, and the slip is where I start to panic. Like changing the grip on your tennis racket, everything you have to do feels awkward, not innate, requires thought and intention. despite all the progress i felt we had made, once home it was as though we were starting over, which requires me to constantly remind myself progress not perfection and this journey is not linear. There were so  many realizations, feeling like life could just return, similar to after surgery you go home and feel good you think oh yes i feel great i will clean the house today and run errands and before you know it, its too much, you overdid it. she is able to recognize that for herself, certain things are "too soon". i hated the fact that arriving home meant she was leaving all her supports in new haven, her therapists, sponsors, peers, support staff, case managers, clinical team, so many people for her to go to right there at her fingertips. arriving home the need to establish a version of those supports is critical, and i have made it my mission to outline it for her, and then my work is to let her go and access it. Again the one step at a time, one day at a time becomes my mantra. i must have emailed, or called or messaged at 30 therapists looking for the fit for her. i obsessively looked through zip codes of meetings that may resonate with her, found yoga studios to try, found churches to try, spoke to recovery coaches, cried to friends that i don't know if we made the right decision. and when she had a down day and said "i want to go back to new haven" my immediate response was yes, lets get you back to new haven, but Laurie that is what you have been doing all along, when there is discomfort you would change the setting, no, that is not the answer. that is our work, for her to sit in the discomfort of it and for me to hold space for that. i catch myself offering a solution and pause and say no, that is for you to tell me, how should you handle that? How are you feeling about that? What does that feeling tell you? What can you control in the scenario? As she is transitioning home there is a lot she is facing, the "new her" coming into the old space, the old friends, the old environment full of triggers. now we both have to show up differently, when she reverts back to old behaviors and old coping i have to respond differently. we remind each other of the "old version" of ourselves would have gone right and the new version needs of ourselves needs to go left. 

I am watching her learn about herself and value her recovery and appreciate how far she has come, and then the contrast of not having that new life fully revealed yet, its painful, and lonely and challenging while she continues to work to create and enrich that life worth living. i try to remind myself life is full of transitions and this is part of the growth and it still does not make it any easier to watch your child struggle to maneuver that. i know the phrases, i know what the answers would be if i asked the question and the answers would be sit in the discomfort of it, time takes time, nothing changes if nothing changes, stay in my lane, enforce the boundaries, one day at a time, progress not perfection, and nothing about recovery is linear. I am finding that the hard days we get through, process and have hard conversations are followed by some light, realizations and positive mindset. I continually talk about gratitude, because it has been essential for me that on the days that are 98% shit there is 2% that I can be grateful for.  I can have those conversations with her because in this parallel process i am doing my own work alongside her. she is developing relationships with some young adults in recovery she has met at various groups, and she is reaching out to her supports when she needs to. Have we had slip ups, yes. Did we handle the slip ups differently that we would have prior to treatment, yes. Was it perfect, no. Is there still progress, yes.  The bumps were to be expected, what exactly those bumps were or will be is not known until we face them. Watching her grow in her recovery though, is such a gift and continuing to learn about my own is like i got the secret code to life. Change is so hard, its exhausting, its an emotional hill you climb while pushing a boulder up it and every time i look back i say wow look at this view, look how far we have come, now keep climbing.