The tears that taught me

 

                                                                            

I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that my life has completely changed in 5 short months which has felt like a lifetime at the same time. I could not have survived some of my darkest days without the parent support group and the care and concern from close friends and family.  This time away from my daughter has given me so much clarity on so many things. I find so much solace in being able to put my feelings and thoughts into words. Prior to 3/18 we were just surviving. on this long, excruciatingly painful journey of reflection and growth and healing i now realize how much i ignored, or didn't see or couldn't see and in that lack of awareness contributed to the turmoil. i realize the mistakes i made were part of this process. I recognize that in order to truly accept the path forward i had to be humbled to my knees. there are sayings that change will happen when the pain of remaining where you are is greater than the fear of change.  I am showing up differently, she is different. As we prepare for her arrival home i find myself anxious, fearful of the unknown, panicked about anything that remotely represents what "was" our reality 5 months ago. I have to continually remind myself that just as her path in treatment i can not know what the "bumps" will be, i can not control the choices she will make, I can not anticipate what will be, there can be no future tripping. the only control i do have is my response to all of it. I am continually reminding myself to stay present, respond to what i know to be true. I will hold my boundaries, i will respond using my new tools. Even when it feels like we are sliding back i have to remember we have come so far that even a few slips back or few steps back will never bring us to where we were before treatment. 

I am so proud of her, proud of us for having the hard conversations, putting in the work and facing and surviving the emotional pain that could take your breath away. this is not a journey i would wish on anyone and yet i am grateful for it. this experience has changed me. it has offered me the time to reflect on so many years of unfelt emotions, enabling behavior, and to a degree avoidance of the reality of what was. it's offered me a deep humility for human kind, compassion for people and not that i was judgmental before but i certainly did not have the profound awareness i do now for what people may be experiencing. every one has a story of what changed them. i am grateful for this journey because where there is pain there is growth, where there is darkness you can find light, where there is grief you can see the joy. i remember asking "how long will she be there" and Tom saying 6 months to a year is a drop in the bucket and now i know why. This is a lifelong journey that we will continue to grow in. seven days a week for almost 5 months my daughter was challenged and learned new skills and faced her deepest darkest fears and worked through her pain. we will now have the opportunity to see the results of all of her hard inner work and also be able to apply all of ours. we will continue to work hard to stay in our recovery and rely on our new skills and tools we have all accumulated during this time apart. 

                                                                    

This journey is one of such contrasting emotions. on one hand i am so excited to re-establish our relationship, get to know the new versions of each other, put to use our new skills and tools and watch her individuate and continue to create her path forward. on the other hand is the fear and anxiety of the unknown, the worry of not being able to handle what comes our way and the triggering fear that we will slide back into old patterns. this is where i have to continue reminding myself of all the things i have learned. recovery has some of the best phrases that i have truly learned to "feel". these phrases are no longer just words but i have had to apply them to get me through this experience. "I am just not that powerful", she is responsible for her choices and actions as well as the consequences. "Time takes time" in healing, in growing, in learning and processing there is no quick fix, fast solution, it is an evolution of growth. "what do i know to be true", all responses and reactions must be based in fact, there is no room for allowing emotions to drive the bus. "Feelings fully felt will pass", in the moments of pain, lean in, give myself permission to feel the feels, no avoiding, no tucking, recognize the emotion, what is it trying to tell me. On those days of joy embrace them, on those days of sadness or grief know that there is light and strength and growth when you come out of the darkness, nothing is permanent. "stay in my lane", do not try to fix or soften the feelings of discomfort because the struggle in navigating those emotions is where the growth and resilience is born. "No future tripping", there is so much anxiety in trying to plan for the future in attempt to control the outcome, I never planned on this journey and yet I am surviving it, whatever comes my way, i can get through it, it may not be graceful it will be bumpy. "progress is not linear", we will have slip ups, possibly emotional relapses, and that does not take away from all the progress we have made. Its about "progress not perfection", the whispers, the glimpses, the conversations that display the growth in recovery, those conversations that allow us to be in a place and have conversations we were not capable of having before, that's the win. I didn't Cause this, I can not Control this and I can not Cure this and often i will have to choose how to lose. I am not alone.