What are my lessons

Change does not happen when things are easy. Growth is painful and certainly not linear. being faced with emotional pain, you know there are realizations to be had. it is only when we can look back on what has evolved can we realize what we learned along the way. what are my lessons here? what am i supposed to take away from all of this pain and sadness and grief?

Patience- i am very willing to admit patience is not a trait I possess, definitely one of my weaknesses. everything about right now is showing me i have to develop that. not one part of this time can i rush through or bypass or skip over. it is the long haul and what it will become it will become. i have to be patient to see how therapy heals and helps and what the results are. this is 1 day at time.

Control- so many things we do and ways we view our lives give us the illusion of control. for many, including myself, control over things allows us to feel like we got this. the reality of life is we really only have control over 1 thing, the way respond to what life hands us. we can not control others or peoples responses or reactions or what they say or even what happens to us or our loved ones. lack of control can impact your thoughts and emotions and everything in between. i am learning that all i can control is myself, the way i respond, what i allow my thoughts to tell myself, what i allow my self to feel. the rest of life is out of my control and so i have to trust a higher power that i am doing everything in my power to do the right things, respond the right ways and control myself. the universe determines the rest. 

Grief- there is so much grief in thinking about all the things that are not going to be typical milestones. There are so many aspects of mental health that impacts daily life and relationships and I am allowed to grieve those things. i need to give myself grace and allow myself to cry about what it is not, what it may never be. AND i also have to remind myself that regardless of what was lost, there is always something to be grateful for. 

Gratitude- i love the mindfulness activity that says "i want you to look around the room at everything that this purple, make a mental note of everything that is purple. now close your eyes and tell me what you saw that was red" well how can i tell you what was red when i was only looking for the purple. what am i choosing to focus on, the positive or the negative? the days that i am sad and feeling the feels are the days i have to remind myself to look for the red, the positive, because despite all of the sadness, grief, or despair, there are also glimmers of hope, positivity, and something to be grateful for.  

Being Present- i have taken classes on mindfulness and living in the moment. it's easier to live in the moment when the moment is peaceful. mindfulness is being present in the now even when it sucks. you want the pain to go away, you want this moment to be over, you want to escape from it, but the only way out is through. so even when its hard be in it, be present, don't run from the emotion, lean into it. 

listen more talk less- its like an anxious response trying to prevent hard things from happening. talking too much and lecturing is like an ineffective reaction trying to control the outcome. no matter what i lecture, or explain or try to advise, if my child is not ready to receive that information it is futile. by listening more i can hear what my child is trying to navigate and letting them come to their own decisions. 

learn to question yourself and check your blindspots- i can not begin to change unless i recognize what i am doing wrong. so much of my reactions to things are innate, like a reflex. many of the responses i have to things are deep rooted without even thinking about it. i call those reflex responses my blind spots i have to learn to pause and ask myself, is what i am going to do or allow going to help this recovery or hinder the progress? i have to learn to be thoughtful and not impulsive and maybe it was something i did or experienced as a teenager but that does not mean it was ok. i am learning to question myself, and check my blind spots. 

those are a few my lessons to this point. i know as time passes there will be far more. i cant wait to be far enough out of this space to look back and see how much things have changed, hopefully in a very positive way. in the meantime i am going to allow myself to feel all the emotions of right now, i will not run from them because i can't. i have to lean in, way in, and learn what i am supposed to learn regardless of how painful or enlightening.