Nursing thoughts

The words that summed it up and solidified it all, introduced to me by a friend "When Giving is All We Have" by Albert Rios.  That's it, in times of crisis, in times when we do not know which direction things are going, when there is so much uncertainty, giving is all we have.
https://poets.org/poem/when-giving-all-we-have
  I have mentioned in previous posts about my return to the bedside.  It was not until I left the bedside, to become a school nurse, did I realize what I got out of it while I was there.  After deciding to return to Umass I began the process of orientation programs, re-certifications and basically going back to the place I gained all of my knowledge and skills as a nurse.  I had just started my orientation on the unit I worked for 12 years.  I had completed about 16 hours of shifts before COVID-19 took over.  All the elective and scheduled surgeries were cancelled so there was no reason for me to go into work.  I sat and watched the news nightly from the comfort of my couch while uncomfortably observing nurses and medical staff on the front lines.  It bothered me to my core that I was not there.  Nurses train our entire career, our goal internally and instrisically is to help.  I have always kept in contact with the nurses from my old unit so I would frequently check in with them to ask how things were going, what they were doing.  Many of them were re-assigned to various areas. There are so many things that happen within the walls of a hospital that the outside world would have no idea were occurring.  ICU's were shifted around, entire units were created to accomodate the surge during the pandemic.  Many of the nurses I worked with volunteered to go to the COVID dedicated ICU, which has scenes that apear to be out of a sci-fi movie.  I impatiently and nervously waited for the call from Umass to go in.  I knew once the call came it was going to create some fear and anxiety in my household.  My husband would watch the news with me nightly fully understanding the conflict it raised in my heart to silently sit by and watch and wait.  When Umass called for me to return I knew the uncertainty it would create for my husband.  Once the surge of this pandemic is over there are thousands of surgeries that have postponed, cancelled, delayed and will need to be done.  My old unit will need the help of a per-diem bedside nurse to care for all the patients.


Yesterday was my first day back since the beginning of March.  I felt like a kid on their first day of school but with grown-up questions.  So much has changed since the pandemic.  Where do I park, how do I get a mask, how will the unit look, where do the pre-op and post-op patients go, where do I put my lunch, how will the day go?  Like anything new in life you just GO.  One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, you go.  New computer charting, when I left there 3 years ago we had a paper chart, now all records are computerized.  One step at a time, one patient at a time, you GO.  I get so much out of working there.  There are so many fabulous, strong, caring, competent nurses that I value, appreciate and respect beyond measure.  Those are the women who I worked along side for 12 years.  Learning the computer is new, it will take time, but the patient care, that's all in there, right in my core, at the foundation of who I am.  The caring, compassion, comforting work is what I love.  The perspective it gives me, the varied techniques from other nurses, there is so much I learn and gain being there.  I am so grateful to be there.

There were so many thoughts I had as I drove home last night in the dark, emtpying my pockets of all the remnants of the day, random tegaderms and alcohol wipes, a mask, a pen.  I stripped at the door like I always had, even before the pandemic.  Only this time my husband was waiting there with my bathrobe.  My kids had walked the dogs, made my bed, put the dishes away and helped their dad get through the day.  Beyond the feeling of "I am doing my part as a nurse" was the feeling that my family recognized the value as well.  That's the thing about kids, is that they can rise to the occasion far more than we realize or give them credit for, they just need the opportunity.

So much uncertainty remains.  We do not know what our new normal will look like or when it will begin.  What we do know is that we can all do our part no matter how big or small the contribution.  You can give blood, you can donate food, you can thank a teacher or educator, you can reach out to a person living alone, you can do your part to flatten the curve.  One step a time, one foot in front of the other just GO.  Right now giving is all we have.