Motherhood
The journey of Motherhood and the lessons I have learned so far.......
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| my favorite gifts |
From the time I was a little girl I loved babies. I had dolls that I dressed in real baby clothes, bought real diapers for, and fed them real baby food. My friend and I would walk the babies in our real strollers and take them to the beach. We would head home around lunch time to feed our babies and give them a nap while we watched soap operas. I wish someone had told me Laurie there will plenty of time later in your life when you are dragging around diaper bags and strollers. It was something that occupied a whole lot of my time, little did I know it was a preview of my future self sans the real diaper blow outs and crying. When playing with dolls was no longer socially acceptable I shifted my interests to friends and other things. It wasn't until after Dave and I were married and had our first home did I think about the possibility of becoming parents. I never really thought about when would be a "good time" to start a family. I do remember the moment that prompted that chapter though. We were camping in Maine, something we absolutely loved to do. We were both reading and trying to think of what we should do next and we both agreed that life would be a little more exciting and unpredictable with a baby. Little did I know that I would eventually be describing motherhood as "camping every day", just winging it and hoping that mess of what you cooked could be dinner, or changing a diaper blow out in a parking lot was normal, or that I would able to do so many things with 1 hand.
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| summer days on cape cod |
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| Jack-O-lantern smile |
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| preggers with a 10 pounder |
We found out we were expecting around Christmas of 2005. We told our families and began the journey of pregnancy. Your first baby is blissful. You can embrace the pregnancy, read all the books, know all the dates, monitor the in-utero growth and development and rest when you needed to. Of course I could not wait to find out what we were having, I have never been very good at patiently waiting for surprises. It was a girl and she would be named Emmalyn Elizabeth. She was a week overdue, I begged the doctor to induce me. They did, and it was a failed induction, she was almost 9 pounds at birth. Born by cesarean section, with Dave and his sister Amy at the bedside. I remember thinking how have women been birthing babies for centuries and no one ever talked about the details of their experiences. It felt surreal, exhausting, painful but yet beautiful and exciting, like no other experience ever. The phase in my life where I would eat every word I ever said about parenting had begun. The process of learning not to judge anyone ever had begun. The portion in my brain responsible for empathy had grown by leaps and bounds. I was realizing that even though through pregnancy you think this is about you, the choice to have a child actually makes your life not about you at all.
Once recovered from myc-section I began wondering when I would want another baby. My sister and I were four years apart and I always wished we were closer in age. I later realized WHY my mother had us 4 years apart. Emmalyn turned one and I was ready for another baby. I wanted a sister for Emmalyn. We do not have any control over the gender of our babies, the health of our babies (genetically speaking) or the timing of our babies. It really is just putting it all out there, putting your cards out on the table and rolling the dice. We truly have no control over many things in life, and I was just beginning to learn that. Motherhood has taught me so many things. It has made me a better person. I loved how it changed me so much that I wanted more children. I had friends who had 2 children and were "done". I wanted to feel done with 2 but there was still something, someone, missing. As I was pregnant with my second a woman at work described the transition from 1 to 2 children like this "One baby is playing house, 2 is the real deal. One is a hobby, 2 is a family". I did not quite know what she meant but I certainly realized that quickly. With my second pregnancy I did not have the time to read the books, track the dates, monitor the growth and development, or nap. We found out we were having a boy and I was nervous about that. I did not have a brother, I barely knew anything about raising boys, how could I be a "boy" mom? Anderson Michael was nearly 10 pounds, born by cesarean 2 years after Emmalyn, almost to the day. I love being a boy mom, I actually am probably a pretty good boy mom since I do not fit the criteria of "girly-girl". It amazed me that there are just certain activities that boys are drawn to, playing cars and building things to knock down. I do not have a rigid definition of gender identity either but I must say I found it fascinating that without any prompting there were just things boys were drawn to and the same observation rang true with my daughter.
Two babies 2 years apart, it was all I could do to keep everyone fed and clean. It was like a poopey diaper conveyor belt. It was controlled chaos. It forced me to let go. It forced me to laugh at myself. I found solace in mom friends. We would take the kids to the park, Emmalyn would be eating snacks out of other people's diaper bags. We went to the YMCA daily where I got an hour of free childcare. I could exercise, shower and even shave my legs. I learned to laugh, a lot. I laughed at myself, I laughed at the tantrums, I laughed at the fact that I had ZERO control over what my children would say or do in a public place and yet a part of me liked that, it ensured that I was as real as they were. One of my favorite things I will say to friends who are new mothers is "I spell parenthood H*U*M*B*L*E". Whatever it was you said you would never do before you had children, get ready to eat your words. It was hard, exhausting, physically demanding but yet it made bedtime feel like heaven. I learned to appreciate the little things. Fancy dinners were no longer required, heck if Dave and I could be alone in the stop and shop parking lot to eat a rotisserie chicken and drink a beer and have a conversation I was good. Bedtime was peace and quiet, I could sit on the couch with Dave, listen to quiet music and catch up on our day. Not all evenings were like that. There were illnesses, some more serious than others. When Anderson developed an infection in his lymph nodes as a toddler I was on the ceiling with anxiety thinking he had leukemia or lymphoma. We had days in Boston Children's Hospital with specialists and procedures. He was underweight and not eating. Those days at Children's opened my eyes to the fact that if swollen, infected lymph nodes and a year of antibiotics was the worst we were dealing with than we were lucky. I began to realize how fragile life truly was. In those moments when I wished my children would sit still or be quiet there were parents who would have given anything for their child to run around or talk. I knew how risky it was to put our cards back on the table but I wanted another baby.
I write this with full knowledge that it is not that easy for many. I write about motherhood with the heartfelt understanding of just how lucky I was to have routine pregnancies. I had friends who suffered infertility, miscarriages, still born babies and friends with children born with genetic disorders. I do not take for granted for a second that I was able to get pregnant without fertility treatments and carry my pregnancies to term. Being a nurse and a mother I feel as though life has taught me that I do not have to actually experience the pain and trauma to understand or have empathy for the magnitude of loss or reality of someone else's painful experience. Becoming a mother has been one of the biggest periods of emotional growth and development for myself. It has taught me so many things about appreciating the little things in life, how to let things go, forgiveness, honesty, vulnerability, selflessness, accountability and generosity all while trying to maintain a sense of self and an identity of my own and to laugh. Sounds like a job that deserves a CEO paycheck to me. The struggle is real. Some days are a win other days are a loss. Some days you have teachable moments and everyone eats vegetables and other days you are treading water hitting the drive through at McDonald's and skipping bath time.
I am learning it is a fine balance that often feels out of balance and even when you think you are doing nothing right you will get a glimpse of one child reading to the other or sharing with each other and it makes your heart happy. I have learned to celebrate the little things like a Saturday morning with no commitments and pancakes. Motherhood has also taught me just how fast time goes. You think that whatever stage you are in or frustrating moment you have will last forever, but quickly it all passes and you are onto the next chapter.
I thought I would never want to leave the baby stage but I have realized there is so much more amazing lessons to learn as they grow. Watching my daughter run cross country and push herself in
Now this is not one of those #BLESSED or "look how great my children are" posts, because we ALL KNOW that I could do an entire post on all the things that frustrate me or irritate me, specifically when certain behaviors are predictable. I would often say to my friend, "let's change houses at 5 o'clock because I guarantee we would not be annoyed by each others children the same way ours irritate us at that horrible time of day". I would rather share how I have learned to see the positive and appreciate the good and hold onto it so on those days when I feel frustrated I can look at those things that I love so much about each one of my children.
One of the interesting things about motherhood was the opportunity to re-invent myself. I was now changed from the person I was before children. For me, it was as if my empathy portion of my brain quadrupled in size. I found myself so humbled by so many things. I was focused on growing into the person who would set a good example for my children, showing them how to be kind, give to those less fortunate, share, and stay in your own lane. One of my favorite quotes is "when you have what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence".
Watching the sibling bond is like a gift. Every once and a while they play together and truly enjoy each other. They defend each other and protect each other. They will think of each other when they are apart and bring the other home a lollipop or a muffin or share what they have won and it fills me up. Siblings are a gift of a lifelong ally and I hope that I do all the right things to foster that alliance. After all they are going to need each other as they deal with Dave and I as we age, as they grow. Who would they call to tell how annoying mom is or how ridiculous dad is being. You need a sibling to laugh at your parents, to remind you of all your childhood memories. They are the roots from where you began.
I do realize that unless I wrote an entire book I could never really explain in full detail what motherhood has done for me. To sum it up I could say that it has made me who I am today. It has made me so sure of all the things I love and who I truly am. That path did not happen easily or without tears at times or pure joy at other times. It is sum of all of it, the highs and the lows, the good and the bad that together have taught me what is most important in life. I hope that some day I am able to express that to my children in a way that they understand. For now I will continue to follow their lead on how to grow, how to embrace the bumps and learn from them, and hopefully impart my wisdom on them.
P.S The day I finished writing this I arrived home after work to sink full of dishes, 4 unmade beds, everyone in their pajamas, 2 dogs that needed to be walked and baskets full of unfolded laundry. But then my husband made dinner, my daughter folded the laundry, my son walked the dogs with me, and went on to win his championship basketball game with his team. Let the emotional roller coaster ride of motherhood continue, the highs and the lows, because the sum of all of it makes for a full life.
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