Career.....Is that what you call it?

I think that if I asked my mother to describe me, she would say I have always been a helper.  I'm certain there are other words to describe me, maybe some not so flattering, and obviously there were times in my life when that label fit more than others.  On the whole that's me...helper.  My grandmother once told me when I was two years old I would get my great aunt's slippers, put them on her feet and help her out of bed.  I had a doctors kit as a child and frequently wore my stethoscope.  In high school I was completely motivated by my Human Bio teacher, Mr. Baer.  I loved the class, and learning about the human body fascinated me.  When it was time for college I was pre-med at UMASS Amherst.  After my parents divorced I decided to live at home to help my mom adjust to single parent life.  I enrolled at a local community college and began my pre-requisites for something healthcare related.  I decided after the first year at home I should go away to school to have the "college experience".  I got into the nursing program at Northeastern and also received an academic scholarship.  That year my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 tongue cancer, his primary site was where the nasal passage met the throat.  He had worked as an environmental engineer for years in the 1970's and 1980's before they wore respirators to protect themselves from toxic fumes.  Everyone in the industry he had worked with died of cancer.  I left Northeastern to drive my dad to his chemotherapy and radiation appointments.  He had several surgeries as well.  I did not want him taking the bus or having to get a driver.  He had no siblings and his parents were too elderly to help him.  We were in and out of Dana Farber Cancer center weekly.  I was in the waiting rooms, impatiently waiting for the surgeons or doctors to fill me in.  I knew in that moment I wanted to be on the other side of the door.  I wanted to know what was happening, I wanted to understand so I could make informed decisions about my family and loved ones care, especially as they aged.  When my dad's cancer treatment was completed it was time to go back and finish my degree.  I knew after his treatments and time in hospitals I would absolutely become a nurse.
 I had lost my academic scholarship at Northeastern and based on the cost I decided I should enroll at a state school to save myself thousands of dollars in loans.  I ended up in the nursing program at Worcester State.  I was one of the older students at that time.  I did not live on campus, I lived at home until I finally got an apartment.  I always worked throughout my college years.  I worked as a nurses's aide in the hospital for experience and also had several other jobs as well.  There were many reasons I chose nursing for my degree.  I knew it was practical knowledge.  I wanted to be able to help my family make informed decisions about their care.  I also knew there were so many avenues within nursing to choose from.  After graduating I began my first job as a nurse in the medical ICU.  I realized quickly it was not where I would stay forever but it was a great start.  Working in the medical ICU as a new grad was like the fast track to bedside nursing care.  You were dealing with a lot of death.  One of the aspects of ICU nursing in a medical unit was my realization that we had the technology and medical capabilities to keep people alive no matter what their quality of life.  It allowed me to see first hand that a dignified, peaceful death was very difficult in the hospital.  The nurses I worked with were very strong.  They gave me my foundation to my nursing skills.  The irony was I graduated with a 3.8 GPA with honors, passed my boards and thought I was ready.  I had studied, I had prepared for my new job.  However, no book, no amount of studying could prepare you for the real life scenarios you would be dealing with in the ICU.  There were no "right" answers.  It became so clear to me that life was not black and white.  The idea that when you were old and had lived a long life that you would go to bed and never wake up was a very rare death.

After a year and a half I was tired of the 40 hour night shift in the ICU.  I was newly married and rarely saw my husband.  I began looking for a job that did not involve nights, weekends and holidays.  I ended up in a surgical center.  I was a pre-op and post-op nurse.  The surgical center covered a wide variety of day surgeries.  We had plastics, uro/gyn, ortho, pedi, and endo.  It was a great place to learn about the PACU.  I loved surgical.  When I worked in the medical ICU we would sometimes float to the surgical ICU and I always loved surgical.  Surgical nursing was dealing with a specific issue, treating it and moving on.  In medical it was multi-system failures, and it felt like a revolving door of the same type of issues.  Surgical was my sweet spot.  After 2 years at the surgical center I was pregnant with my first baby and came to realize that if I stayed at a 40 hour day job I would barely see my baby during the week, and most of my paycheck would go to day care costs.  I decided to look at other options.  That was the thing about nursing, you could pick from a variety of areas that fit with your schedule, and lifestyle etc.
 I applied on a whim to the PACU at the trauma center.  I got the job.  I began a 24 hour night shift job at the trauma hospital.  It again was a learning curve.  I was going from walking, talking day surgery patients to trauma patients on the night shift.  There were gun shot wounds, stabbings, car accidents, motorcycle accidents, head traumas, and a multitude of unexpected, unplanned events for these patients.  Nursing is fascinating in that way.  You have a critical role in the lives of these patients.  As the bedside nurse you are able to see first hand the emotional aspect as well as the physical aspects of patient care.  I was able to be provide comfort and treatments to complete strangers.  I gained perspective that I never imagined.  Life was fragile, no one is promised tomorrow and at any given moment myself or my loved ones could be in that bed too.  I would always think, if this were my mother or father or child how would I want their nurse to be? I worked hard to be that nurse.  The irony is that you separate yourself in a strange way so that you can provide that care, treatment and comfort but yet do it with compassion.  Of course there are those cases that make it difficult to separate yourself  too, and when care was complete and the patient went to their room or the ICU or home you would debrief with your co-workers (my phenomenal night shift crew).  Often times I would text or call my parents in the night to tell them I loved them.  The perspective I gained from that job is immeasurable.

For twelve years I worked there.  I worked along side an unbelievable group of nurses.  I loved the variety of patients, I appreciated the unpredictability.  I also knew that on those bad nights, by the time I returned for my next shift that patient or situation would be different.
As my children were getting older, everyone was in school, everyone was out of diapers, and my husband began to travel more for his job, the night shift was becoming difficult.  I felt my ability to recover from those 24 to 36 hour days and night shifts was getting harder.  My constant lack of sleep was impacting my ability to be a mom.  One night before my shift, again on a whim, I was looking for day jobs on line.  I randomly checked out the school nursing postings.  As fate would have it, there was one in my town, the same district as my children.  I applied, interviewed and was offered the job.  When I told my kids about the job they were so excited I couldn't say no.  I was headed to days again, no more nights, weekends or holidays and I even would get snow days!!
Nursing was again giving me options as my daily life situation was changing, nursing was changing with me.
I had no idea what school nursing entailed.  I can say with certainty it is a very busy, fast paced job that requires great assessment skills and ability to trust your nursing judgement.  You function independently, you have to make split second decisions regarding care, that can some times be critical and involve a 911 call.  Other times my care is emotional comfort and support.  There is a lot that the school nurse is responsible for.  Immunizations, epi-pens, allergies and asthma, public health, and daily medications are just a few.  I have learned a lot about the impact of diabetes on children.  I have learned so much in the current role as a school nurse.  It was perfect timing for me to truly become a little softer and how to keep my harsh honest truths in my thought bubble.  I had been around trauma so any minor injuries my children had I was not very sympathetic too.  Basically if your arm wasn't falling off, the bone wasn't sticking out or you weren't bleeding to death you were FINE!!! Working in a school changed that.  I was putting ice packs and band aids on boo boos all day for other peoples children, I wanted to offer the same care and compassion to my own.  I began to listen more, be present more.  One day out of the blue my son said to me "Mom you are so much nicer now".  I knew what he meant but I wanted him to verbalize why.  I asked him "why do you say that? Explain what you mean by I'm nicer".  He went on to tell me that I was so much nicer now that I slept at night compared to when I would be up all night and all day.  That was it, his statement confirmed school nursing was the right decision for me.  I am still learning daily.  School nursing is not a physically demanding job like bedside nursing in a hospital but it is emotionally challenging.  You give a lot all day to your students, their parents and your staff when needed.  I also have never felt so appreciated in my job as a nurse.  I am a nurse by choice so the appreciation I am shown by students, parents and staff is so heart warming and validates that I am doing a good job.

After three years as a school nurse I wanted to be sure I had not lost any of my critical care skills.  I want to be able to react in a split second if needed.  I want to be comfortable handling critical situations and reinforce what I know.  I am headed back to the trenches at the hospital.  I was re-certified in ACLS, passed a bunch of exams regarding my medical knowledge and I will be working per diem in my old unit along side the staff I loved so much.  It's a completely different part of my brain but I want to be certain I keep that part.  The perspective and reminders of health and wellness is a gift.  Nursing is a window into peoples personal lives on so many levels and I love being a part of that.  I don't ever want to become complacent.  I am pretty sure that every step you take leads you in the direction you are supposed to go.  Each job I have had as a nurse has taught me something new, no matter how big or small there is a knowledge gain in some way.  It's amazing to me how reflecting on experiences gives me more perspective than when I am actually in the moment.  It wasn't until I left the bedside did I realize just how much I gained from it.

 Now that I am headed back to the bedside it helps me to clearly see how wonderful it is to work in a school with young children and educators who love them as much as I do.  Don't get me wrong, any job has it's challenging days, but overall the students, the staff, the schedule, the appreciation and time with my children is what school nursing gives me.  I do not know where my career will take me next, I do know that I am the most content I have ever been.  And yes, I can say now reflecting on the jobs I have had and the things I have learned all amount to what someone would call a career.  I never really considered my job a career, I just did it.  Nursing is definitely my heart, helping people has always been my motive.  I am grateful for what nursing has taught me and I plan to continue to grow and learn, after all it has made me the woman, mother, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, friend that I am and I would not change any of it.