Working on my toolbox

 All of the "tools" i have accumulated in my parenting toolbox have been from the parent support groups. I think i have only missed 1 or 2 meetings since my daughter arrived to Turnbridge March 31st. I will never forget everyone talking about the "tools", as i sat in my first group crying in the screen wondering where everyone was getting all these "tools" they kept referring to. I wanted to yell out, "Where can i get the tools, what web site, do i order them? read them? TELL ME SOMEONE". After showing up consistently and throwing myself into the only thing i could do, i began to realize the tools were in the groups. the tools were from the knowledge, the shares, the vulnerability, the raw and real life experiences every parent has had in their journey. By sharing their thoughts, feelings and experiences they were inadvertently or in some cases intentionally sharing their "tools" and so i began to build my toolbox. my daughter and i have had the opportunity to really share and communicate now that she has been in treatment and it feels like a breakthrough every time. I think as she has been in treatment she felt like we were just home living it up, loving life. The reality of that could not be further from the truth. I was able to express to her how much i have cried and just the deep unrelenting pain of knowing there was nothing i could do to fix this, there was nothing i could do to change her situation or own the pain for her, it was something she had to experience and process and navigate. The only way out was through. I had to let go of her healing and trauma, because she had to face it, i couldn't face it for her. i realize now i was trying so hard to control what happened to her in her life and in doing that i completely fucked up. I had to realize i was "just not that powerful" and had to give it up to a higher power, this was her journey to healing, processing her pain and trauma. Once i let it go, i threw myself into what i could control which was my journey, my healing, my "work" i had to do. 

So desperate for help, guidance, i was willing to do anything, read any book, listen to any podcast and really look inward at myself to all the things i had done, all the work i had not done that contributed to the position we were in. Did i cause this? No. Did i struggle with the possibility and grief that it was my fault? Yes. Were there things, decisions i made that contributed to this? Yes.  The pain i felt in navigating that was so significant, there is no amount of money you could offer me to go backwards and repeat this journey, and that brings me to the gratitude of life. There is not one single tangible thing that is worth your peace of mind. thinking all of this time that such foolish things were important, when truly having everyone i love above ground, that is what i am grateful for, peace and contentment, that is what i'm grateful for, true joy, that is what i'm grateful, truly learning how to be present, that is what i'm grateful for, and also recognizing the strength i have, that is what i am grateful for. 

The gratitude portion of the parent group has shifted my mindset in a very clear way. its actually my favorite part of the meeting and hearing everyone share what they're grateful for reminds me how small or large there is always something to be grateful for. Every day i am grateful for the group and the parents in it. I have been given the gift of friendship from so many of the parents in the group and it has made this journey tolerable because i know i am not alone. unless you have been touched by this disease you could not understand the magnitude of ways it impacts your life, daily existence, sanity, stability, peace, and feelings hopelessness, which for me is now hope. when you share your vulnerability, struggling to take the next step, to make the decision, struggling to navigate the bumps someone will raise their hand, or even call you on the phone and say me too. The bumps, the challenges the transitions, the decisions are all aspects of this experience you struggle with. The parent group helps me understand my truth, and there is no judgement. Everyone is facing different challenges with mental illness and yet the underlying emotions you feel are shared. Often someone in group has been in that position and they offer support for what was helpful in their decision. They also celebrate successes, so its like having your own little cheering squad for those small wins. There was no parent group yesterday (it was sibling group meeting) and i had the gift of speaking with 4 moms at their request and it just makes me feel stronger. it is so cathartic to share and have those emotions validated, you feel seen, heard and not alone.

The other piece that i love about group is that my daughter knows i'm just as invested and passionate about my own recovery as she is in hers. This is for sure a "parallel process" just as the book explains. this was not her alone that got her here, Dave and I as her parents have to be just as willing to make changes on our part. there will be times she and i are on the phone and she will say "don't you have group now?", and we jump off the call. Or i will be in group an she is calling me and i say "i am in group" and says no problem i'll call you later.  the group is seriously the gift that keeps on giving because it not only is helping me in my relationship with my daughter but also in the way i show up and communicate with my sons. it has opened my eyes to so many aspects of life that are important for growth and development, boundaries and limits and holding space for emotions and not being the "fixer" because again, I am just not that powerful. 

I remember being on my first group and thinking i feel like i shouldn't be sharing, i don't have an experience here, i am so new to this, and are my problems really as significant as everyone else? After talking to another mom about our story i realized ummmm yes this has been significant, i almost lost my daughter. i have to give myself permission to accept and acknowledge that and feel that my story matters too.  there are so many aspects in my life i have always felt like a rookie, how could i have something to offer someone when i am new to this experience and yet what i realize is i do have something to offer and that feels so good to give a parent the support i have been given. After all isn't that the gift of recovery?  

Lauren, you have changed my life, thank you for lighting the path for me.❤