one day at a time

 It's a 2 hour drive to get there. i often listen to a pod cast, join the support group from the car or call a friend, mostly i listen to music very loudly. i feel like the loud music matches my emotions, so loud you can't turn them down. looking back on even my last post i feel so many more realizations occur almost daily. You dont even realize how much you are discovering about yourself and life until you look back to where things were even 2 weeks ago. this entire journey began a long time ago. although for the past year it has pretty much been like living in moments of hell, accompanied by an anxious hope that we would make it through. we were doing the work, we had been through the McLean program, we were doing all the things or so we thought. she was in group therapy, individual therapy, dave and i were doing the parent group, learning a new language of emotions and communication. the interesting part is when you are in it, you dont see it, its that blindspot. Now looking back i can say oh yes, i see now what i couldn't see then, or at least didn't want to see or wasn't ready to see. 

 i had not seen her in 2 weeks and she seemed more like herself than the last time i visited. she was wavering, discussing her realizations while we painted watercolors. in my gut the feeling remained, that sense or intuition that we are still not there yet. there are still so many pieces of this that have not yet unfolded. we have made progress from where we were certainly, but the journey is a marathon not a sprint. i left there feeling positive about our interaction, hopeful about her progress but realistic about the future.  one of the things that resonates in the parent support groups is actions matching words. words are just words, behavior speaks volumes. even though it is difficult to admit i would be foolish to believe she is all fine and well to return home. thats the thing about being a mother, you think with your heart. i have to remind myself that not thinking logically or objectively could land us right back where we were march 18th, or even worse. it is such a painful reality to face, while your child is crying to come home you want to believe you can handle it. the reality is, that we are not equipped. there are so many more skills she needs, skills that i do not know how to teach her, experiences and coping that i do not know. i myself am working on my skills, managing myself, separating myself from my thought process as a mother and comforting her to the logical mind that she needs things i can not give her and that is so painful to realize. 

the parent support groups are like my oxygen right now. it is a safe space to listen and share your own hurdles on this journey. its amazing to me the different paths, backgrounds, experiences and yet its somehow all the same, that shared vulnerability to what we are facing with our children and what we are realizing  about ourselves. I leave every support group with at least one new piece of knowledge from someone else's journey or experience. Although everyone's journey and timeline is different the root cause is a similar thread, a mental illness, anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation, lack of coping, lack of resilience to stressors. as a parent i have been trying for so many years to control the world around her, cushion the falls, minimize the emotional dysregulation and what i have realized is by doing that i further contributed to the problem. at the time you dont see it, you dont recognize it. you think if i just.... if i just....then we will be ok. Until the next emotional tornado comes and the process begins again and the tornadoes got stronger and i became more defeated and tired until we broke. having her in treatment has given us the opportunity to reflect on all of it, the years and experiences that have transpired to get us to this point and it will not be "un-done" in a week or a month or even a year. what i do know is i am never going back. i will never again try to be the fixer, ignore the emotions, dismiss them. like i said to her, how could i have held space for you and validated your emotions when i was not even aware of my own. i am working on that. this just like the book, is a parallel process. we all have to do the work, not just her. its amazing to me when i really reflect on how we got here and the things i see the things i allowed, the things i did to try to avoid the tornado, all ineffective. this experience has brought me to my knees, made me cry so many tears, feel so much pain and angst and yet that doesnt change anything except how i will show up moving forward. like i have always said, once i know better i can do better. i can not change what i did wrong or how i was not effective i can only change how i will respond moving forward. i dont think i would have been willing to look myself in the mirror so clearly if i wasnt on the doorstep of complete an utter desperation. i was out of tools, i had nothing left to give and no direction to turn, but now i do. the resources and family involvement from her team at turnbridge are forever changing the way that i will parent my children, the way i see others, the way i show up for myself and others. in a strange way i am grateful for this experience because nothing could have ever forced me to make this change and awaken to this process like the possibility of almost losing my child. 

this past weekend was difficult, proms, missed recitals, and the grief that whatever it was i had envisioned for her is not our path. i allow myself to grieve that, to feel that, then to move through it and recognize what i do have. I have my daughter alive, and even if her reflecting back on this time brings her pain my hope is that pain will eventually subside. my hope for her is with her new tools she will be able to turn her path into an experience of strength and resilience. as my husband said, everyone has their reckoning, she is just having hers early.  the lineup of parents taking photos for prom, all fake and artificial, how did we get to a society where we care more about how everything looks on the outside rather than what it feels like from the inside? i can say that this experience has introduced me to a very concentrated group of vulnerable, real, honest parents who understand the emotions associated with this experience. it is a path that unless you have been on it, one could not begin to comprehend the depths of what it brings you, and again for that i am grateful. my eyes are wide open, to all of it, the good the bad the painful the joyous. the universe is teaching my husband and i, remember to focus on whats most important, take the time, pause, be in the moment because no one knows what the future holds and i truly understand those words. i am a recovering future-tripper, recovering control freak, recovering fixer, recovering emotional avoidant. 

I will continue to do the work, learn the tools, read the books, listen to the pod casts, participate in the support groups. I know our progress will not be linear, i know we will be faced with unexpected scenarios but what i hope for myself is that i catch myself and don't slip back into old patterns of poor coping, and nonexistent boundaries. the quote of the day from the turnbridge parent peace is my new favorite advice for myself,                    

                                                               And she keeps trying.

Putting one foot in front of the other.

Showing up even in the unknown.

Daring to hope and believe in the good.

And in it all she realized 

she never needed to be perfect.

But she just has to keep on keeping on.

She is a warrior