Don't forget how far you have come

 i am feeling confident today in our decision. i am feeling happy about our progress both as parents and as individuals. some statements that have become my mantra's, progress not perfection, and progress is not linear.  As i sit with peace in my heart today i want to remind myself of the darkness that has been my daily existence since 3/18. i do not want to ever forget how challenging and emotionally painful this has been. i want to remember how many tears i have cried and how i would have to use a towel to soak them up because there were not enough tissues. Sunday was a good visit, Monday i was back at a low point struggling to find hope and a positive outlook. i have to pause and recognize and appreciate the days when there is clarity, a positive outlook, confidence in the next step we are taking. i want to reflect back on the days when i could not see the light, or felt as though i did not have the strength, or could not handle the level of emotional pain i was sitting with. today is a day i can say i am feeling some sense of relief and hope. you cant see the light unless you have been in the darkness, you can't understand how good joy feels unless you have felt deep unrelenting pain. i am beyond grateful for the team at turnbridge who are guiding us through this process. i am grateful for the parent support groups where everyone shares their struggles and vulnerability in navigating this path. i find so much strength in the shared support of the groups. everyone is at a different stage in their journey and yet all of the emotions are a shared experience with slightly different content. parents share their resources, books, pod casts, bits of advice that helped them move through a similar process, next steps, uncertainty, grief, shame, sadness, trying to find the light, joy and possibility of hope to keep moving forward. i am grateful for our family and very close friends who listen to me day after day while i try to process what is happening to make sure i am taking the next right step. the journey is for sure the most treacherous i have faced and yet i am grateful for it. i am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow. perspective is a gift and this has certainly expanded mine.  i am grateful for my husband who is growing along side of me and recognizes the value in communication and being willing to make the changes necessary to heal our household. we will only be better for all of this. i know there will be many more HARD days, and when i am faced with those days i will try to tell myself the only way out is through and that is where the light is. time takes time and this is not a process we can rush. So for today i will appreciate the hope i am feeling, the confidence in the plan, trusting the process and continuing the path forward.