A glimpse of an empty nest

 "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body" ~ Elizabeth Stone, teacher and author

Now before I get all dramatic about it I have to mention how it's one of the hardest jobs I have ever loved.  It has changed me so much and I love that evolution more than anything.  I am in awe of how much being a mother teaches me about myself, and wanting to fix my broken parts.  There are moments as a mother I am tired, I am frustrated, I need a break, I want to run away, I want to LAY DOWN, and I want no one to call my name or talk to me.  Then there are the times when you realize just how beautiful this season of life is.  It is in those moments when I am acutely aware of just how temporary this all is. 

 There are milestones that make you cry, make you sad, make you happy beyond belief, make you yearn for more time and yet the clock runs on.  Today was one of those days.  I sent my oldest, my daughter, off to overnight camp for the first time.  I signed her up last spring with the intention of giving her an experience.  Berkshire Soccer Academy is an all girls soccer camp where she can build friendships, navigate them without me and work on her skills of her favorite sport, soccer, as well as female empowerment!

She was not thrilled at first but after talking with friends who have gone away to camp, without their phones, she became more comfortable with the idea and I will also add, curious.  We prepped for it, shopped, purchased a shower caddy, and packed her twin bedding.  There were questions....."what would the schedule be", "would other girls know each other", "how would she survive a week without her phone" and on and on. Today she was up before me with her bags packed.  She made me my toast to hurry me out the door and off we went for our 2 hour ride to her first overnight camp experience.  It feels like a glimpse of what the departure to college will feel like.  I am excited for her, so happy to see her grow but yet at the same time I feel sad.  It reminds me even in those moments I am tired or frustrated or question if I am doing it the "right way" to just pause.  I need to pause and remind myself that yes....I am the mom that she needs, I am her mom.  I love watching her become her own person even though we are often butting heads.  She knows I am here for her.  I have told her in conversations I am her biggest cheerleader and there is not another person on this earth who wants her to succeed more than I.  I have told her "you think I am not on your side but my darling I want you to surpass me...run faster, achieve more and avoid the mistakes I have made.  There is nothing that makes my heart happier than seeing you smiling and happy".    

Today was eye opening to watch her excited in her seat, anxiously awaiting the experience.  It made me so proud of her as she walked into a camp where she has never been and did not know one person.  That is a metaphor for life...."walk confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you imagined"-H. Thoreau.  I am beyond proud of the woman she is becoming and I will continue to push her outside of her comfort zone so she will learn that she can do hard things.  

I can't wait to pick her up and hear all about the adventures she had and the things she has learned without me.  And then I will pause often through the next 4 years of high school because I got a glimpse today of just how temporary this season is.