A letter to my parents

                                               

As a nurse I have a very clear understanding that life is fragile.  I am acutely aware that no one is promised tomorrow.  The irony is that despite knowing those things it still is sometimes difficult to apply that thought process to life on a daily basis.  As I have mentioned in previous posts I would often call or text my family to tell them how much I loved them when I would encounter a medical case that hit very close to home, a family losing a loved one unexpectedly.  It's hard to grasp the magnitude of this pandemic.  I see the numbers on the news yet it's almost surreal.  Then I think of how many people have lost a loved one and I think that could be me.  I listened to Wynton Marsalis, the director of Jazz at Lincoln Center, speak about losing his father to Covid-19.  Wynton talked about his father, Ellis Marsalis a phenomenal jazz musician, and how his father comforted him in the last hours of his life stating "you losing me is no different than the other thousands who have also lost a loved one, the loss is just as big for those other people".  That statement hit me, so many have lost a parent or loved one and are actually dealing with the emotion that I am fearful of.  I am not ready to lose my parents, I am 42 years old with 3 children and yet I STILL am not ready to not have a parent.  I realize that I am blessed to have made it this far in my life with both of my parents, so many lost a parent before so many of their major life milestones.  This reminds me of how grateful I truly am to have my parents and have been able to share those major life milestones with them.  I then begin to think,  do they know how grateful I am? Have I told them everything I wanted to say? Have I thanked them for the lessons they have taught me be it intentionally or unintentionally?  There is a song that I love by Brandi Carlile called "Most of All" and it really brings forth this thought.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM-cBJJxXe8

Dear Mom,

I am so lucky to have you.  I love that you instilled in me how to be strong and independent.  You taught me to always be able to stand on my own 2 feet and and be able to carry the load.  You reinforced that the times you learn the most is when things are emotionally challenging.  You taught me that I am responsible for my own actions, and that choices good or bad lead to consequences positive or negative.  You told me that strong emotions or feelings are rooted within ourselves and that no one can "make you feel a certain way, you allow it".   I love how much you love Maine.  I have seen first hand the change in you when you are in your happy place.  I love to hear you talk about happy memories of Maine.  I am thankful that you shared with me experiences from your childhood that help me to understand what shaped you.  I am so thankful for your tough love and encouraging parenting.  You made me push when I wanted to quit nursing because I didn't think I could do it.  I have taken that mentality to my own parenting.  I love to watch you with my children.  I love that they have so many experiences with their Mimi like shopping on their birthdays, memories from their times in Maine with you, movies you have taken them to or conversations they have shared with you.  I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with you after Evan was born, it felt really great to have my mom with me.  I really appreciate that you delayed your trip to Florida to help me move.  It felt so nice to have time with you and have you be a part of an experience that was so challenging in so many ways, and to have you there.  Thank you for giving me the perspective that everything is temporary and time goes really fast.  I love you and am so deeply grateful for all of the things you have taught me.

Dear Dad, 

I am so lucky to have you.  I love that you showed me how family is first.  I know you would be there for anything if I asked you.  Thank you for teaching me the importance of exercise.  You brought me into the weight room as a child which gave me the confidence and knowledge to stand tall in any environment and feel like I belonged there too.  This was so formative for me.  This simple thing created a pathway for me to ignore gender roles and feel empowered as a female in a male dominated area.  I took that and ran with it.....right to the bodybuilding stage where you cheered me on and watched me win world titles.  I love how excited you get for my accomplishments.  I love watching you with my children.  I will always cherish you taking them to dinners individually and driving all the way home from the restaurant because at 3 years old Emmalyn forgot her purse.  I appreciate that you dressed up at birthday parties and created an amazing level of excitement.  I love that you share my love for the Cape and by buying a camper next to the Gefverts I have the best childhood summer memories.  I love that you showed me money will be there but experiences will not, so spend the money on the fancy dinner, the expensive shoes.  I love that every year we have gone to the Nutcracker.  It is a priceless memory that myself and my children will have forever.  Thank you for teaching me love is endless.  I love you dad and I am so deeply grateful for all the opportunities you have given me.